How to Help Your Child Benefit from Therapy
Many parents today are choosing to make therapy a part of their childcare routine. Children are facing so many obstacles in the world today. Therapy gives them a safe place to process things they are experiencing and gain coping skills for the world. Many children have experienced extreme trauma or grief and begin therapy in order to heal. Other children just need help with their day to day lives and relationships. Regardless of which circumstances initiate therapy, it can be a tricky thing for parents to navigate. They have to consider the investment of time involved. How will they fit it into their already hectic schedules? They have to consider the financial investment. Can they afford the sessions? And while many children love going to therapy, some are very hesitant or downright resistant. As a mother and a clinician, I have experienced both sides of this coin and want to offer a few tips that I hope will be helpful.
1. Think of your child’s therapy as part of your childcare routine. There are so many things that you do for your children in order to keep them healthy and safe. Routine physicals and doctor appointments for any ailments are a usual part of parenting. Therapy helps your child improve their mental and emotional health, which are key to a healthy life and can also impact physical health. Having an adult outside of their family to talk to is so helpful for many children. They often have things they are carrying that they are afraid to talk to their parents about, sometimes because they want to protect the parents’ feelings. Being a safe and loving parent is vital, but having a caring professional to help them navigate difficult parts of life can be an added bonus. Making the commitment to therapy, even for a short while, is difficult but worthwhile. If you think your child needs this, do everything you can to fit it into your life in the best way for your family. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from your support system in order to be able to add therapy to your child’s life.
2. Be careful about forcing therapy. Many children will go to therapy willingly or happily. Some will go with trepidation the first time and love it from that point forward. But, some children will not want to go at all. Some will go to a couple of sessions and start refusing to return. It is difficult to make a lot of progress in therapy if one does not want to be there or is angry about being forced. This is a very difficult position for a parent. If a child is thriving for the most part, a parent might decide to let the child make the decision not to attend while leaving an open door in the future if they change their mind. Some parents feel that therapy is absolutely necessary or have been told by helping professionals that it is needed. Parents must ultimately make these difficult decisions, as they know their children best. However, if you find yourself requiring a resistant child to attend therapy, there are a couple of things you can do to help. The first is to show empathy to the child. Let them tell you why they do not want to go to therapy. Validate their feelings and explain that you understand but you still feel that it is necessary. Listen closely to what they are saying about the therapy and if you sense that the therapist is not a good fit, be willing to make a change. The second thing that can help is to give the child as much agency as you can in the situation. For example, let them choose between two or three therapists you feel good about. Ask them if they would rather attend therapy after school on Tuesdays or on Saturday mornings. Find decisions that they can make surrounding the therapy and ask the therapist to also offer them some agency on what they do in sessions. Child therapists understand this dynamic and will likely be very willing to help in any way possible. They want your child to thrive
3. Do not drill the child about what they are doing in therapy. After a therapy session, a great question to ask would be “Is there anything that happened in therapy today that you would like to tell me about?” This gives the child the opportunity to share and lets them know you are interested. However, if they say “no”, respect that response and just let them know that you are proud of them for working to take care of their health and wellbeing. Some children want to tell their parents everything they did in a session. Others, especially adolescents, do not want to talk about it. They want to have that space that is just for them. A good child therapist will communicate with parents regularly and be open to inquiries. The child does not have to be the go-between constantly answering questions about therapy. Be open to talking but not demanding. This will give your child the safety and space they need to thrive.
4. If possible, use this time as a chance to spend one on one time with your child. I realize this is not possible for everyone. But if you have the ability to spend time with your child either before or after a session, it’s a great opportunity. Many children, especially those in large families, do not get to spend alone time with a parent. This kind of dedicated attention is so good for them to experience. You might be shocked how they will open up to you or just have fun with you if they have you to themselves. At one point, two of my children were doing therapy with the same therapist. So I would book their appointments back to back. While one was in therapy, I would walk the other down the street to a coffee shop or small restaurant. We would hang out for about 45 minutes while their sibling was in therapy. It was a sweet time, and it worked with our schedule. Building in something like this to look forward to can also be really helpful for the child who is less enthusiastic about therapy.
5. Give the therapist appropriate trust. As a parent, you know so much about your child’s life. You are the expert. This makes it very tempting to want to tell the therapist what to do in therapy. Many parents come in with an idea of what they want to happen and expect the therapist to just get on board. Therapists want to know what your goals are for your child and love to hear your input. But, the therapist takes on a very different role than the parent. The therapist does not usually just align with the parent to be another “authority figure” giving the child directions. That is not what they are trained to do, and the therapeutic relationship with the child would be harmed if that is how they operated. Therapists work to build trust and relationships with the children they see. Therapists address the concerns of parents and work towards the goals they communicate, but their methods may not be familiar because they are using their professional training. It is so difficult to trust someone with your child. Nothing is more precious to you in the world. Do your research beforehand, ask a potential therapist all of the important questions you have, and choose a therapist that you feel you can truly trust. This will make the process go much more smoothly for everyone.
6. Be willing to do the work on yourself. I saved what is perhaps the most important advice I can give for last. Parents so often see pain and struggle in their children and get them signed up for therapy. They love their kids and would do anything for them. They are willing to stretch their schedules and their finances and anything else to get their children the help that they need. It is such a beautiful thing. However, I often find that parents are not willing to do the same for themselves. They will put their own mental and emotional health on the back burner and take care of everyone else. This feels noble and self-sacrificial. The motives are pure, but this is bad for your child. Your child can get all the therapy in the world, but if they have unhealthy parents this will be constantly working against their progress. I once had a parent ask me to help their child stop having angry outbursts, but the parent was having those outbursts as well and not getting help. I have treated children for the grief of losing grandparents when the parent was drowning in grief and not getting help. I often see links between the child’s struggles and the parent’s behaviors or struggles. Family therapy can be a very effective tool in these cases. But it is so important that you realize that one of the most promising ways to help your child be healthy and thriving is to be healthy and thriving yourself. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. It is vital to the well-being of everyone around you, especially your children. Be willing to invest in yourself. It will pay off in dividends for your children.
