What Do I Do with My Anger?
Anger is often thought of as a negative emotion. Being angry is a conceptually negative idea for most people. A couple of things are sure. Experiencing intense anger inside can be incredibly unsettling. And many terrible things have been done in response to anger. But today, I want to talk about the nuances of anger and argue that sometimes it can move us in a positive direction.
You may have heard it said that anger is often a secondary emotion. What that means is that people often portray anger even though what is really going on below the surface is something like sadness, fear, or rejection. These feelings may seem too vulnerable to show on the outside, so anger is shown instead. Often, people don’t even realize which feelings are hiding out beneath the surface but are parading around as anger. Being around a person who is extremely angry and doesn’t understand their own feelings is very challenging. In worst-case scenarios, this anger is used to harm other people or even oneself. This kind of anger can be deadly and incredibly unhealthy for the individual and the people around them. If you struggle with this kind of raging anger, it is crucial to get help, discover what is fueling the anger, and to commit yourself to doing no harm to yourself or others.
But this type of raging anger is not the type I want to focus on today. Today I want to talk about justified anger. Sometimes things happen in life that leave us angry with good cause. Someone intentionally harms us. Someone intentionally harms someone we love. Someone lies to us or takes advantage of us. The injustice of the actions brings about anger inside us, and we have to figure out what to do with that anger. If we believe that anger is a wholly negative emotion, we may try to sweep it under the rug or push it down deep in our bodies. But sometimes anger isn’t dangerous; it is fuel. You see, when anger is warranted, it lets you know when something is not right. It serves as a self-protection mechanism when someone intends you harm. It serves as a way to protect the ones you love when someone intends them harm. Some people are so peaceful in their way of being that the only thing that will move them to action and change is anger. When enough anger is built up, they will make the decisions they need to make to protect themselves and the ones they love. They quit the job that is draining their soul. They leave the partner that is abusing them. They leave the church that is teaching their children damaging theology. And there are many more examples. Anger can be a powerful driving force that helps you get to a healthier place when it is justified anger.
Anger in and of itself is not toxic. The vital question to ask yourself when you feel angry is this: “What am I going to do with my anger?” If I use my anger to lash out at the ones who are nearest and dearest to me, my anger has become toxic. If I use my anger to harm anyone else emotionally or physically, my anger has become toxic. If I turn my anger in on myself and become self-loathing, my anger has become toxic. But, if I use my anger as motivation to move toward a life that feels healthy and whole, that is a positive use of anger. If I tap into my anger for the energy to set boundaries and surround myself only with safe people, that is a positive use of anger. If I find ways to express my anger through creativity or exercise, those are positive ways to process anger. Another way to ask this question is: “Am I using my anger to hurt or to heal?” Anger is never pleasant, but it can be helpful at times. We just need to be very intentional about what we do with it. And we need to make sure that we face it when it comes because the anger that we push down and deny is very likely to come out in unhealthy ways somewhere else in our lives.
