What is Homeostasis?
For those of you who work in medicine or study science, the term homeostasis is likely very familiar. Simply stated, it is the ability of an organism to maintain a consistent state. For instance, the human body has the ability to maintain a temperature of 98.6 degrees. If it is too hot, the body will sweat in order to maintain homeostasis. Homeostasis is vitally important in many areas. However, when it comes to families and relationships, homeostasis may cause problems.
In marriage and family therapy, we use systems theory. In this field, homeostasis refers to the tendency of a family to do whatever is necessary in order to maintain its way of functioning. For example, if a woman who is married to an abusive and controlling man seeks therapy and begins to assert herself, the man will typically do whatever it takes to bring the relationship back to homeostasis (increase abuse). In families where roles have been established for the members, each member is expected to fulfill that role. Maybe one child is the “overachiever” and the other is the “jokester”. If the overachiever becomes addicted to drugs, the jokester may become more responsible in order to return the family to homeostasis. Maybe one parent is the “responsible one” and the other is the “fun one”. If the “responsible one” has to go out of town for a week, the “fun one” may take on more responsibility in order to maintain homeostasis. Sometimes these adjustments are natural and healthy. However, many times these adaptations are not healthy at all. For example, a parent becomes addicted to alcohol, and their 12-year-old child takes on their responsibilities in the home in order to maintain homeostasis.
When the status quo is unhealthy, homeostasis serves the role of keeping the family unhealthy. If one person in the family steps outside of the role they need to fill in order to maintain homeostasis, the family may not know what to do. This is when many people become ostracized from their families. In order to overcome homeostasis in families, the members must be willing to face the unhealthy patterns and make real and lasting changes. There are many reasons that this is difficult for people. Maybe they are tied to deep beliefs that are attached to their unhealthy patterns. Maybe they are comfortable with “the monster they know” and are afraid of the unknown nature of change. Maybe they are so deep into survival mode that they have no energy to devote to critical thinking or change. Maybe they are simply unaware that change is possible because they have never known anything different.
If you have been hurt in a relationship because of your decision to change and become a healthier individual, it is important to understand this concept of homeostasis as it refers to your situation. Perhaps you began setting emotional or time boundaries with your family and are no longer welcome at holidays. Perhaps you started speaking about your needs and desires to your partner and are no longer in a relationship with them. Perhaps you stepped outside of your family’s religious or gender norms and are now ostracized. All of these changes threaten homeostasis and unfortunately can lead to these types of ruptures when people are not prepared to change. In addition, when you challenge long-held beliefs of families or religious groups you have belonged to, you may become frightening to them. Homeostasis is comforting to many people. Instead of adapting to the change in you, you may feel that the groups you belong to become more like the body attacking a virus in order to bring itself back to homeostasis (you are the virus). This is a painful reality to endure and can be very traumatic. It is important to find people who accept you as you are and do not require you to be the version of yourself that is most convenient for them. Understanding homeostasis may increase your empathy for people in your life who have hurt you in order to maintain status quo, but it does not decrease the pain you have experienced. Therapy can help you process these feelings and figure out how to move forward. It takes an incredible amount of strength to create true change in one’s life. The work is difficult, but it is well worth it.
