Am I Messing Up My Kids?
Parenting is a complex thing. If you ask most parents, they will tell you that it is the hardest and most wonderful task they have ever attempted. Today’s parents seem to worry more than ever before about whether or not we are getting it right. We have a wealth of information at our fingertips. There are more books on parenting than we could ever possibly read. The internet is full of advice about how to do this parenting thing correctly. When little Emma is up with a fever, we pick up our handheld computers (aka phones) and google “What to do when child has fever”. We get thousands (if not millions) of search results. The same happens when little Jack won’t stop putting your home decor in the toilet, and we google “How do you get a child to listen to you?”. No matter what our problem, someone has advice. LOTS of people have (often conflicting) advice. But here’s the catch, none of those people on the internet actually know you or your kids.
A few decades ago when parents needed advice, they went to their own parents or their best friend or their pediatrician or someone in their community - someone they trusted and who knew them. And I think parents also relied more on their own instincts. For all of the convenience and advantage of having the world at our fingertips, sometimes I wonder if it has made us less in tune with our own instincts, less trusting of ourselves. So many “experts” out there have answers that must be better than our own. The decisions we make as parents are innumerable and overwhelming at times. Some days you may feel as though you can’t possibly get it right. You may lie awake at night wondering if you can actually cut it with this parenting gig. So, for those of you who are feeling this weight of parenthood, I want to offer a simple perspective to lighten your load.
When I work with clients, I often see their distress as they talk about their children and fret over their parenting. First of all, let me say that children who have parents who care this much are very fortunate. And these parents are normal and conscientious. But the reply I often give to these parents is something like this, “Do your kids know that they are safe with you?”. Usually, they say yes. Then I follow it with, “Do your kids know that they are loved by you?”. Usually, they say yes again. So then I say something like, “Then you are doing it right.”
For all the ups and downs and ins and outs of parenthood, all the disappointments our kids will face, the hard days, the fun days, the illnesses, the championship trophies, the deaths of loved ones, the births of siblings, and a million other things that will happen in the course of 18 years and beyond - these two things will protect against a myriad of pain and will build a template for a healthy adulthood for your children. Help them feel safe. Help them feel loved.
It is important to note that safety must come first. A child cannot feel genuinely loved if they do not feel safe. If dad tells them he loves them, and then screams angry rants at them regularly - they will only feel the anger. If mom says she loves them but leaves them home unattended without basic needs met - they will only feel the neglect. They must feel safe in order to receive love. This is true for all people, not just children. Safety means more than just a home and food and clothing. Safety means that they are emotionally safe in their home. Emotional safety requires the ability to share feelings, be vulnerable, and not be perfect. Every parent will have days when they fall short. I don’t know a single parent that hasn’t in a weak moment been harsh with their child. The key to safety is not perfection but rather that these incidents are the exception rather than the rule. And even more importantly, the parent needs to model health and safety to the child by owning his or her weaknesses and mistakes and sincerely apologizing. Apologizing to your children does not make you lose your parental role. It teaches them something beautiful..
Another thing to consider is that safety means having parents who take care of their own emotional selves so that they don’t spew the things they aren’t dealing with out on their children. Cindy Wang Brandt said it this way, “The best parenting is done not in the direction of our children but through the hard work of deep healing within ourselves so that our children are met with a healthy and whole parent imparting patterns of lovingkindness instead of shame.”
I believe she absolutely nailed it. The trap many parents today fall into is in trying to take such great care of their children without making taking care of themselves a priority. Many parents when faced with a family crisis will take their children to counseling but don’t go themselves because they don’t feel justified spending that money on their own healing. Many will faithfully take their children to their physical exam every year but fail to go to their own because taking that time for themselves seems selfish or impossible. Many parents who had less than ideal childhoods spend their years as parents nobly trying to give their children all the things they never had without also seeking out their own healing from deep deep wounds. Our children need us to be whole. They need us to model self-awareness and self-care. And without taking care of our own “stuff”, it may be difficult to provide the kind of safety they need in order to feel truly loved. Another mantra of mine with clients goes like this: “You are not more important than anyone else. But you are JUST AS important as everyone else.”
Is this another guilt trip? Are you telling me if I don’t do self-care perfectly my kids will be messed up?! Not at all. You won’t find guilt trips on this blog. This is an invitation - an invitation to take a deep breath and know that your children just need to feel safe and loved and that you have the power to provide those two things. All the details are details if they feel these things from you. And this is an invitation to prioritize yourself. Taking care of your health, your relationships, your healing does not make you a selfish parent. It makes you a safer parent. These things can be done without neglecting your children. And when you treat yourself with the same care you treat them with, you will be giving them a more full and wonderful version of yourself. And that’s a gift that lasts a lifetime.
