When Christmas Isn’t Merry: Grief and the Holidays
It is customary in our culture this time of year to wish one another a “Merry Christmas”. I realize some people do not celebrate Christmas and instead observe other important religious or cultural holidays. But if you live in America, “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” are two things you are bound to hear. The word “merry” is defined as meaning “cheerful and lively”. “Happy” is defined as “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment”. Who doesn’t want to feel merry and happy at this time of year (at all times of year!)? Christmas joy is a beautiful thing that is experienced by many. However, for someone who has experienced grief, the holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year. The special time set aside for enjoying family and friends can bring a great sadness to someone who has lost a loved one and no longer gets to sit with them at the Christmas table.
Many people have lost loved ones to this terrible pandemic. Others have lost them for a myriad of other reasons. The death of a loved one leaves a hole so deep in so many. Someone who plays an important role in your life cannot be easily released and can never be replaced. Sometimes grief is not about death. Maybe a woman recently went through a divorce. Maybe a man is estranged from his child. Someone might be grieving the loss of their health to chronic disease. Perhaps a couple longs for children, but they still have an empty second bedroom. Grief is a strong emotion in many situations. And grief can be strongest in the times when we are expected to feel the most joy. People who haven’t experienced your type of grief may not understand. They may make insensitive comments about how you should just be grateful for what you have or you should just move on. Some of them may truly just want you to be happy because they love you, others may not want to have to deal with your grief. But it is important to understand that feeling sad at this time of year is completely normal for someone who is heartbroken. It is also quite possible to hold extreme sadness and extreme joy in the same hands and feel them at the same time. You may find yourself having the best time with your children making Christmas cookies and suddenly something triggers your grief and you must excuse yourself to cry. Or you may be laughing around the Christmas dinner table with your family and suddenly feel angry about the person who isn’t there this year. Allowing yourself to feel and experience all of the emotions you have is a healthy and beautiful Christmas gift to yourself. It is incredibly difficult to grieve in a time of joy, and yet it is entirely normal. Surrounding yourself with people who hold space for your grief is vital. You shouldn’t have to put on a show of “merry” and “happy” for those who love you and support you. You should be able to bring your whole self to the table.
Some kind of ritual that honors your specific grief may be a comforting practice. For example, if you are grieving the loss of your mother, it may be therapeutic to spend a day making all of her favorite holiday recipes with your children or siblings. If she didn’t like to cook you could watch her favorite Christmas movie with them. If your friend always gave you an ornament for Christmas, you could start a small tree and add an ornament to it every year in her memory. If there was a cause that was very near and dear to your loved one’s heart, you could make a donation in his honor to an organization that supports that cause. You could write your loved one a letter with the things you wish you could say to them this Christmas. However you choose to do so, acknowledging the loss and honoring that person are healthy ways to move through your grief.
If you feel yourself sinking into despair this holiday season, please reach out to someone - a friend, a family member, a therapist, a pastor (someone who is safe and trustworthy). Let them walk alongside you in your grief and provide a supportive presence. If you know someone who is hurting this holiday season, reach out to them. Tell them that you see them. Remind them that they are not alone. Hold space for their grief. They may need someone to talk to, or they may simply need someone to sit with them and be present. These are easy and beautiful gifts to give to someone in your life this year. It may not make them “merry”, but it will certainly make them feel loved. After all, presence and love were the original gifts of Christmas.
