What is the Goal of Couple Therapy?
As Marriage and Family Therapists, we are trained to work with couples in crisis. Many couples encounter difficult times in their relationship and seek out help. Difficulties in your marriage or partnership can be among the most unsettling things to arise in life. Your life is so intertwined with that of your partner, that it is impossible to ignore these struggles or keep them from affecting your day-to-day life. When you bring these issues to a therapist for help, you are bringing something sacred, and it should be treated as such.
So what should be the goal of couple therapy? When you lay this sacred thing down in the therapist’s office, what should be done with it? I have heard many stories of couples attending therapy where the goal is simply to keep the couple together. Especially in marriage counseling, many therapists or pastors take this approach when working with couples. However, I want to challenge the notion that the primary goal of couple therapy is an intact couple. Of course, it is wonderful if the couple can finish therapy intact. But there is a more important primary goal. In my practice, the primary goal of couple therapy is to create a relationship based on mutual love and respect where both partners feel safe and accepted. Treatment should be aimed at this goal. If couple therapy simply allows you to decrease your misery enough to tolerate staying together, it has not been successful. When the intact relationship is the holy grail, we will use whatever means necessary to reach that goal - even if they are not healthy. But when a loving, respectful, safe relationship is the primary goal, we create long-term relationship satisfaction. This method means accepting that sometimes couples will not stay intact because one or both partners are unwilling to do the work to create a loving, respectful, safe relationship. The individual health of each partner must be considered and taken into account. If the relationship is destroying one or both partners and improvement is not there, the relationship may end. This is not a failure of therapy. Sometimes the most therapeutic outcome is for a relationship to end as amicably as possible. I worked with a couple once who had been dating on and off for years. At the end of our time together they decided to part ways. It was tempting to see that as defeat, but instead, I was able to realize that this was the best result for the health of both partners.
Treating couples in only an attempt to keep them together is like treating the symptoms of an illness without treating the cause. If you have heart disease and you only treat the symptoms with a pill, your heart disease will not get better. It will inevitably cause you continual problems. If you are in a partnership and you are only putting bandaids on a gaping wound, the problems will continue to rise to the surface. Getting to the root of the relationship is vital. Creating an atmosphere where each person is loved and accepted and cherished will lead to the relationship both partners desire. Sometimes this is a long journey, but for two people who are motivated and genuinely love one another it is possible. Life is challenging, and there will always be ups and downs. Difficult times will occur, and each partner will have to carry the burdens of the other at times. However, if you create a relationship based on mutual love, mutual respect, mutual safety, and mutual acceptance, you will be able to create a safe haven even in these times. The emphasis here is on the word mutual. One person cannot create a healthy relationship. Both partners must participate. It takes two people to create a healthy relationship but only one to create an unhealthy one. It is important for both partners to understand this. Being a part of a couple can be one of the most fulfilling things in life when done in a healthy way. Seeking out therapy to learn how to better create this atmosphere is a beautiful way to honor your commitment to your partner.
